Lemons can drug us onetime
by AquaRias
Summary: A Parody. Snape is acting strangly...and is that My Heart will go on? “If Voldemort really wants to know the secret to offing me, just tell him to get Snape to sing a love song.” Does Dumbledore have something to do with this? Oh Minerva!


**Lemons can drug us onetime**

**...THE MUSICAL**

**(AKA, Oh Minerva, AKA, Twinkle, twinkle, little star AKA, Minerverus. AKA, It would pain my heart to do so AKA, Side by side. AKA, You raise me up.) Just pick your favorite title and tell us in your review which one you picked!**

**Summary: Written by Aquarias and Skiefyer as a contest entry on Final Prophecy. No, Snape is not out of character...you will see. **

**Aqua's note: All the little dots belong to Skiefyer...she is rather obsessed with full stops.**

**Skie's note: Three is the number you must count to when adding full stops...do not count to two, unless proceeding to three. Five is right out!**

**Aqua's Note again: Enough about the full stops. (So basically, there is no summary as it will give the plot away! And we all know how much it would pain my heart to do so)**

**And so, with no more further ado (Except for the disclaimer) Aquarias and Skiefyer present...Lemons can drug us onetime! (The Musical!) AKA...oh for heavens sake just scroll up.**

**Disclaimer: I...don't...own...them. –nudges Aqua- Oh yeah, neither do I. –shifty eyes-**

"I...I have something to ask you."

"Merlin, I don't think I have ever heard you stutter before!"

"Yes, well it's a rather...over whelming prospect."

"What is?"

"Well, I...I...I've wanted to say this for a while now. But, I couldn't seem to find the right time."

"The time for what?"

The man knelt shakily before the woman, his deep obsidian eyes boring into her own greenish/blueish/grey ones.

"What is it? Are you quite alright?" She asked, mildly concerned.

"Yes, Yes actually. Better then I have been in years. You see, I've been feeling something lately...something...breath taking. At first, I just could not identify it. But then, I realized...it was love."

"Love...!" She squealed. "Oh I'm so happy for you!"

A slow smile spread across features that had rarely smiled before. "Y-you mean it?"

"Of course! Now who is it! Oh do tell!"

"W-what?" A confused look passed over his face. "It's you! Minerva, will you marry me?"

"WHAT!?" Minerva McGonagall stared at Severus Snape in utter horror, before graciously fainting.

Minerva glanced worriedly at her dark haired companion...who currently, at this time, was humming...was that Beethoven's fifth? Snape caught her eye and grinned cheerily, mouthing, 'I love you.' Minerva shuddered and rolled her eyes in disgust. Severus frowned slightly at this, but nevertheless grinned again and moved to stand behind his 'beloved'.

He took on a serious expression, and Minerva nervously held her breath. She frowned as Flitwick stood up also, clapping his hands to gain the attention of everyone in the hall. When this didn't work, Severus glared and bellowed, "SILENCE!" He paused as the room fell into utter silence...you could here a pin drop a mile away. "I have an announcement!" He beamed.

Harry shook his head as he listened to his friends argue pointlessly...as he had been for the last half hour. It was the Halloween feast, and he was utterly bored of the conversation. Which mainly consisted of,

"Ronald you are _so_ immature!"

"I am not immature! You're just...way too mature."

"Give me a break Ronald! Last I looked, only five year olds run around with their underpants on their heads screaming 'The sky is falling!'"

"It was a nightmare!"

"So you _sleep walked_ to the common room?"

"Hey, I'm not the one who made a club called spew!"

"How is that immature Ronald? House elves deserve fair pay, good working hours, holidays, shopping trips-"

"Would the two of you just knock it off for a second!" Harry interrupted Hermione's rant, noting the triumphant look on Ron's face. "You're both right. Ron, you can be incredibly immature at times, and Hermione...enough with the house elves already!"

Ron suddenly nudged Harry in the side. "Oi, look I think Snape's going to say something." He announced loudly.

"SILENCE!" Snape's bellow reverberated off the walls and ceiling, causing a tremendous echo. Within milliseconds, every single person was silent.

"I have an announcement to make." Snape beamed. Wait...beamed?

"Holy Crap, did Snape just beam?" Ron exclaimed loudly, causing many heads to turn. Snape gave him a glare that promised future pain...Ron shuddered and shut up.

Snape sighed, a dreamy look passing over his features. "Myself and my..." Snape interrupted himself with a giggle. Wait...giggle?

"Holy Crap! Did Snape just GIGGLE!" Harry exclaimed, Ron choked on his baked potato.

"Language Mister Potter." Snape said silkily, before chuckling. "Young 'uns these days. Ten points to Gryffindor. Now-"

"Holy Crap!" Twin exclamations reverberated around the hall. "Snape just gave points to Gryffindor!" Ron and Harry looked positively gob smacked.

Fred and George looked at each other, before exclaiming, "THE APOCALYPSE IS NIGH!"

Snape cleared his throat. "Would the Gryffindors please shut up, before I am forced to deduct points...And it would just pain my heart to do so on such a jubilant day." Snape placed a hand over his heart at this heartfelt statement.

Ron looked horrified as he whispered brokenly, "Snape...has a heart?"

Snape looked directly at Ron, who shuddered. "As hard as it may be to believe Mr. Weasley, I do infact possess the afore mentioned organ. And today, I have found it's true use at last. What I would like to say, is that Minerva and myself are...are...we're getting married!"

THUMP! Ron fell off his chair. A few moments of shocked silence later, He sat up groggily. "Gods I just had this absurd dream! Snape said he was gonna marry McGonagall!"

"Uh Ron?" Harry said hoarsely. "You weren't dreaming...unless we both had the same dream."

Ron's head once again hit the floor as he fell into darkness with a resounding crack.

Harry was quickly scribbling down the answer to a question in transfiguration, when the doors opened. He looked up, and was surprised to see Snape standing in the doorway...in all his down right disturbing happiness.

"Minerva!" He exclaimed, looking pained. "Minerva, I tried! I really tried. I Tried to teach potions, but my heart was aching to be near you! I simply had to see you!" he paused and to everyone's horror, began to sing. "_Every night in my dreams, I see you, I feel you! That is how I know you go on. Far across the distance and spaces between us, you have come to show you go on. Near. Far! Where ever you are! I believe that the heart does go on! Once more! You open the door-"_

McGonagall took the opportunity to promptly slam the door in his face. They could still faintly here through the wood, however,

"_And you're here, in my heart and my heart will go on! And on! _reducto!" The doors suddenly splintered and revealed Snape once again. Who continued his song.

"_Love can touch us one time, and last for a life time! And never let go till we're gone!_"

"SILENCIO!" Harry roared, his ear drums no longer able to take the strain of Snape's singing.

Meanwhile in the bat cave...Erm, we mean the back_ground. _A certain headmaster's eyes were twinkling out of control.

-INTERVAL!-

**(Elevator music please, yes softly...softer. Yes, right there.)**

"_Twinkle twinkle little star,_

_How I wonder what you are._

_High above the- bzzzfftss!"_

**Severus gins evilly and switches the CD...**

"_L! is for the way you look, at me!_

_O! is for the only one, I see!_

_V! Is very very, extraordinary!_

_E! is even more then-"_

**And now back to the story.**

An hour later, Harry was in potions, desperately trying to get the insanely bad singing voice of Snape out of his head. "You know," Harry remarked to Hermione, "If Voldemort really wants to know the secret to offing me, just tell him to get Snape to sing a love song."

Hermione hit him playfully over the head. "Really Harry, you shouldn't joke about things like that!"

"I'm not joking." Harry replied darkly.

Ron snorted. "Too right. If I don't hear Snape sing ever again it will be too soon!"

Snape skips into the dismal dungeon, humming a tune...gleefully.

"_Oh Minerva, Oh Minerva, how your eyes, they glow!_

_Oh Minerva, Oh Minerva, how your ears! They show!_

_Oh Minerva, Oh Minerva, How your voice, so sweet!_

_Oh Minerva, Oh Minerva, I revel at the smell of your feet!"_

Harry covers up his laugh with a cough/choke. "I guess that's why he's the _potions_ teacher, and no the _poetry_ teacher."

Ron snorted into his cauldron in agreement.

Malfoy looked up indignantly. "Sir! Aren't you going to take points of the Gryffindorks?"

Snape looked aghast. "What? Take points of Minerva's precious lion cubs? Fifty points to Gryffindor!"

Malfoy paled and looked back at his potion. "Are you alright Sir?"

"Of course I'm aright! I'm getting married to the most stunning woman at Hogwarts!" With that he skipped...yes, _skipped_, gleefully to the front of the room, and began the second verse of 'Oh Minerva'.

"_Oh Minerva, Oh Minerva, Your face, so pale!_

_Oh Minerva, Oh Minerva, I delight, at sending you mail!_

_Oh Minerva, Oh Minerva-"_

"Put a sock in it and tell us the potion!" Ron exclaimed.

"Now now Mister Weasley!" Snape shook his index finger. "Today we shall be making a potion I like to call...Minerverus!"

Ten minutes later...

"Oh Mister Potter! Your potion...it is...it is...the exact greenish/blueish/grey color of my Minerva's eyes! Five hundred points to Gryffindor!"

Back in the all too familiar BACKGROUND...(Note the THREE full stops) Dumbledore nearly blinds his phoenix with his extreme twinkly-ness.

Harry sighed contentedly as he wandered through the halls, clad in his invisibility cloak...and a pair of very un-hero like pajamas. Little did he know, his own rubber ducky pajamas were not the scariest on campus. Oh no...that title was reserved for none other then, yes, you guessed it, Severus Snape.

"Ouch!" Harry exclaimed as he tripped over something quite large and solid.

"That was my head!" The large, solid object exclaimed indignantly.

"P-Professor?" Harry gasped, letting his cloak slip down in shock.

"Potter!' He exclaimed delightedly. "You've come to visit! How _lovely_!"

"Er, Professor? Is there any reason...any reason at all, that you're currently _sleeping_ outside McGonagall's room?? In your...cough Pajamas cough?" Harry raised an eyebrow at the pink and red heart covered...night gown? Oh Merlin now he'd seen it all.

"Mister Potter, You will soon learn that there is a reason for _everything_ that I do."

"Indeed..." Harry muttered.

"What is this ruckus?" A voice exclaimed from inside, slamming the door open. "Mr. Potter! Ten points from Gryffindor for being out of bed after hours."

Snape gasped. "Then I take Twenty from Slytherin! For I could never place myself above you in the house point totals."

"Oh don't be ridiculous Severus!" She exclaimed.

"Severus..." he sighed dreamily. "How I love the way you say my name!"

"Erm...can you two get a room?" Harry said with disgust.

"Mr. Potter! Twenty points from...oh never mind. Just go to bed."

"Gladly." Harry muttered as he grabbed his invisibility cloak and ran for it, but not before he heard the words drifting down the corridor...

"_Oh we aint got a barrel of money! Maybe they think that we're funny! But we'll travel along, singing a song! Side by side..."_

**(Cue the dots!)**

"_Through all windy weather! What if the sky clap clap should fall! Just as long, as we're together! It doesn't really matter at all!"_

"Merlin if I hear one more love song..." Ron made a rude gesture with his hands as they entered the great hall to Snape's serenade.

"Just kill me!" Harry whimpered pathetically. "Save Moldy Shorts the trouble! In fact, I'm going to phone him now. Give him an invite to AK me. Merlin knows it'll be kinder then making me endure one more moment of this torture!"

"I'm glad you're enjoying yourself Mister Potter!" Dumbledore said merrily, again, his eyes twinkling brightly enough to blind a bat.

Harry's eyes suddenly widened. "You! You had something to do with this!" he looked suspiciously at Dumbledore. "Did you teach him those god awful songs?"

"Why of course not my boy! If I had, I would certainly have taught him a song closer to my likings...

"_When I am down, and oh my soul's so weary! _

_When troubles come, and my heart burden me!_

_Then I am still, and wait here in the silence!_

_Until you come, and sit a while with me._

_You raise me up!, So I can stand on mountains._

_You raise me up! To walk on stormy seas!_

_I am strong when I am on your shoulders!_

_You raise me up, to walk on stormy seas!_

_There is no life...No life with it's hunger!-"_

"Sir," Hermione interrupted. "Who's the song about?"

"Why my dear, Lemon Drops of course!" he exclaimed and promptly strolled out, eyes twinkling like light houses.

"I told you he drugs them!" Harry remarked snidely. "All those references to 'raising him up' sounds like magic mushrooms."

The next morning, Harry watched warily as Snape entered the hall...surprisingly (recently anyway) there was no jump to his step, and thankfully no singing. He glared at the Gryffindors, smirked at the Slytherins, twitched at the Ravenclaws and sneered at the Hufflepuffs just as he normally did, before taking his seat beside McGonagall.  
"So Severus, tell me, am I going to be invited to your wedding?" Flitwick asked, innocently buttering a piece of toast.

"WHAT!?" Snape exclaimed and began to choke on his olive...(Yes, they do serve martini's at Hogwarts)

"Ah!" Dumbledore exclaimed as he stood up, eyes twinkling as always. "I believe you have all witnessed first hand the effects of my new love potion. I call it...The draught of the lovely lemons!"

**El Finite**

"**No, Aqua we do not need to wind it down at 2000 words, we need to wrap it up with a pretty little bow and a note saying 'To Fanfiction, From the Fans.'" **

**Au revoir and Adios Amigos!**

**Sayonara.**

**...ttfn**


End file.
